Musings of a Cursed One

soulinanarchy

Go there.
For this only represents a fraction of me, and is inaccurate.

It's an imporant night.
An important night that I get some extra sleep.

It goes okay. I spend my time how I like and an hour before normal bed time, I'm ready. Excellent. An extra hour of sleep.

But oh no, here comes girlfriend rushing to my side. What could possibly be wrong?
Her panrets yelled at her. It was a dumb reason to yell at her, but they yelled at her none the less.
I take her in and comfort her. She's okay ultimately, and everything's alright.

It's an imporant night.
An important night that I get some extra sleep.

It goes okay. I spend my time how I like and an hour before normal bed time, I'm ready. Excellent. An extra hour of sleep.

But oh no, here comes girlfriend rushing to my side. What could possibly be wrong?
Her panrets yelled at her. It was a dumb reason to yell at her, but they yelled at her none the less.
I take her in and comfort her. She takes more coazing to clam down, but it's not terrible. I go to sleep a little later than expected.

It's an imporant night.
An important night that I get some extra sleep.

It goes okay. I spend my time how I like and an hour before normal bed time, I'm ready. Excellent. An extra hour of sleep.

But oh no, here comes girlfriend rushing to my side. What could possibly be wrong?
Her panrets yelled at her. It was a dumb reason to yell at her, but they yelled at her none the less.
I sigh, with exhasperation, logically spell out the situation and a soultion for future reference, comfort her, and calm her down. The extra hour is spent.

It's an imporant night.
An important night that I get some extra sleep.

It goes okay. I spend my time how I like and an hour before normal bed time, I'm ready. Excellent. An extra hour of sleep.

But oh no, here comes girlfriend rushing to my side. What could possibly be wrong?
Her panrets yelled at her. It was a dumb reason to yell at her, but they yelled at her none the less.
They're still fighting. I'm in the middle, and the two of them don't even fucking realize it. It's two hours past my bedtime. I near miss a fail on a test the next day.

It's an imporant night.
An important night that I get some extra sleep.

It goes okay. I spend my time how I like and an hour before normal bed time, I'm ready. Excellent. An extra hour of sleep.

But oh no, here comes girlfriend rushing to my side. What could possibly be wrong?
Her panrets yelled at her. It was a dumb reason to yell at her, but they yelled at her none the less.
...


Can anyone see where I'm going with this yet?
I'm the third side in a fight that NOBODY cares about.
Thank you, Lella's parents. Thank you.
One day you will know my side.

...and you will suffer.
I swear it.

1) People with/without High School degrees can survive, but have to work insane hours. Also, they can tend to be boring to talk to. Or if you're lucky, their lack of knowledge will be entertaining. (No offense, of course.)
2) I can do the majority of what I set myself to, including things I'm not supposed to, like heavy lifting, working with finger crushing machines, and being more worthful than your average worker.
3) It's worth getting a degree. Even if it is only Associate's. Not just for the degree, but for the person you have the potential to become.
4) More different types of people. Learned a lot more about diversity, particularly about personalities. The races aren't as different as everyone thinks according to what I overhear in the bathroom. The most drastic differences are often seen in one's own race.
5) It's amazing how people can communicate, even without being able to udnerstand each other's languages.
6) I'm a pretty good quality worker according to the local Asians, which is a huge compliment and self-esteem booster.
7) Not everyone has the capacity to 'get it' as soon as most people do. Some people it may take until they're on their death bed.
8) Legal issues between companies are always high-energy and high-tension. However, they are most often always interesting. I find interest in finding out how things work 'behind the scenes', and this is one of them that's very revealing.
9) I'm not a total Shammie, and there are people out there way way better than me.
10) I'm still half Incubus. I can't change that.
11) I'm still half human. Divine happenings reinforce that in the most needy of times.
12) I'm extremely useful, despite what my Goddess Stepmother thinks. Har har.
13) I have a plan, and sometimes that's what's MOST IMPORTANT for the future.
14) It becomes more and more likely every day that I'll be able to do what I want, and boost my friends in the same turn.
15) My infections have Antibiotic Insurance on where they reside and are able to move from time to time. >.< xD
16) Self reliance is good, reliance on the self and dependable friends is best. I just about have both. <3

I guess that is all.

It's amazing!
It's astounding!
Its... people who only give a shit about themselves! Woooo!

...-.-
For serious, guys.
Every time this time of year comes around the worst comes out in people. No one seems to get the point of this whole gift giving and celebration thing anymore, everyone just seems to do it because they're somehow obligated to.
Just tonight we decorated the Christmas Tree, and every year it's some kind of stress. Maryann's always in a negative mood while Dad and I are having a blast. She's always stressing, the tree has to look perfect, you can't have any blank spots, blah blah blah. And yet she sings the Christmas music that's all "Joy to the world! Let's party!" like it's her job. What the hell? This time she was like "Here Adam, put these not-breakable ones on the bottom incase little hands get to them". Alright, make the cripple bend over and decorate the tree. Whatev, I don't care that I'm already hurting. This is supposed to be fun. So I decorate the fuck out of the bottom of that tree. The fuck out of it. There's more shit on the bottom of this tree... And it was funny! xD I had a blast, I was gigglin', Dad and I were cracking jokes, it was great! But here comes old Mrs. I-Hafta-Do-Christmas-Even-Though-I-Hate-The-Holidays-Because-My-Parents-Are-Dead going "Don't do that! You and the fucking bottom of the tree, I swear you go on about the bottom of the tree and I'm gona smack you!" What the hell? She was serious, that's the whole problem.
Listen, I can understand if you're stressed, we all get stressed, but shit it's no reason not to have fun with the fucking holiday! She even yelled at Jane as she was just keeping us company there. (Jane's our all-black cat) She wasn't doing anything but sitting quietly by. She walked around a little to come check out what all was going on, but she didn't even touch the tree, not even with her nose. That, to me, is a sign that some upper power truely blesses this time of the year, and is also evidence that people are fucking stupid.

One day, I'mna have my own tree and I'm only gona decorate the fuck out of the bottom, and it's gona be funny as hell. People are gona come over my house, go "Wtf!?" at the tree and then LAUGH, HARD. And more importantly, it'll make them happy. That's the whole fucking point! Not to proceed with strict rules and tradition but to be happy, enjoy and appreciate each other, and have some fucking fun!

Merry Holiday where you do nothing but give shit to each other, love, and fuck! If you're not having a good time, you're fucking stupid! Die!
:D


Also: Christmas songs are one octave(sp?) TOO HIGH for Willie Nelson. That's for you Dad. xD

Now, I don't want to bitch. I've been doing that a tad too often lately. And when I see nothing but that it tends to get boring. I want to make this thing somewhat worth reading, somewhat worth... something. I don't know.

( Sociological and personal rant. Don't read if you don't want to hear "radical views". Be afraid of what I think. )

*sigh*
So much stress. So little to do about it.
I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if I'll even bother. A lot of it's just hurry up and wait. For the most part, all I can really do is grin and bear my teeth.

Got the Big Apple Con coming up not next weekend but the one after. That's a huge stress as we'll be up in Madison Square Garden catering to god knows how many people. I think I've got it mostly in the bag, but I've still got a lot of work to do. And if it's raining tomorrow, I'll be behind again.

Test this week in Social Problems, and the last one I got an 80 on. Acceptable grade, but I want better. However, these tests he gives are kinda hard to study for. I can just hope I can adjust my study habits enough the next few days to compensate.

Another test Monday in the TV Industry. Not TERRIBLE, but still something I need to study for. I can't ace classes like I used to. Might just be the content, I dunno.

Then I have my Senior picture next Wednesday I have to get all dressed up for. Then I get to deal with all the snide comments from my Film Prod group because half of them are an ignorant bunch of preppies. Especially the ugly girl. Ugh. She's like... ugh. She's eliteist because she works on RTN. Like she knows everything. I mean, I can handle a differing viewpoint and she's had a few decent ones, but she tears everything apart and has to have it explained to her like a two year old. It's retarded.

And on top of all of that, I'm back in the fear lock I broke out of 6 years ago.

I feel like I'm back at my mother's house.
Let me repeat that.
I feel like I'm back in the home of the neglective, abusive, uncaring thing that spawned me.
I fear what's outside my room. Whether it be people, school work, work, shopping, I fear leaving this room. And I fear being in it.
I can't live like this. I can't function like this.
I refuse to live here for any amount of time after December 21st. I can't do it. I left Watkins a well typed out reasonable letter truely explaining what was going on in my head, and it seems like he's just trying to avoid me now. Well, not so much avoid me as like... I don't know. I don't know how to epxplain it. I reached out to him, I tried. I told him my honest thoughts without the flaming anger that I posted here on LJ with that he read first, and still... What is going on here I just can't socially and mentally handle. Moving out into Rowan was bad last Semester, yeah, and I was really sad. But I could deal with it. I could function. I did well. I was eventually happy.
I don't and won't have that here. I am in fear-lock. It's the only to describe how I felt/feel both back then and now. All of the social groups that come in and out of this house, all of them, make me completely uncomfortable. I feel like they all raid my space just to have a good time, get free shit and then leave a mess. What else am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to fix that when they've already got me caught up in fear lock? I told him in my letter that I hate the fact that he feels he can't have his friends over, but the simple fact of the matter is that they're uncontrollable. They continually screw me over and it just seems like he only begrudgingly acknowledges the fact because I live here and pay half of his rent and bills. I at least told him specifically in the letter that I still considered him a friend and appreciated him for what he was. And he refuses to requite or acknowledge that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to puke, because that's how nausieous this fear has me. If I don't, I'm just going to go to sleep and deal with the stolen/uncleaned kitchen ware in the morning.

I told him.
I asked him, nicely.
He agreed.

I told him his friends stole stuff when they came over, that I didn't like the smoking things and that they were noisey.
I asked him nicely to police his friends, watch his smoke levels and not be so loud, especially since we have a cop living nearby.
He agreed.

I'm missing a can of soup and there's a bite out of my canoli - my birthday comfort food.
Enough's enough. What's going to get stolen next?
He's lost all priveleges to all of my stuff including the microwave, blender, toaster, silverware and dishware, soaps, vaccuum cleaner, etc. Everything that's mine that I don't want him using is in my room.
Hopefully this will teach him to police his shit. If not, welll.
Too bad.
I won't be here to put up with it. Come December/January I should be gone. I applied for housing on-campus.
Do I care if he loses the apartment and I get sued? Not terribly much. My Dad's got my back, and I owe him greatly for it. I moved in with Watkins as a facor to him because he couldn't afford it on his own. Him and his friends have done nothing but fuck me over. So the favor stops now. He's homeless? Oh well. His problem now, not mine. I'm done. And if he keeps up the illegal and against the terms of the lease actions? I'll kindly let the landlord know. I'm done with this bullshit. I've been nice and submissive all along. No more. This fucker and his friends have walked on me too much. I'm not a terrible guy, I'll help a guy out, but this is ridiculous. I should not be worried about my things when he has a party. This is out fucking rageous.

...Is it pathetic I miss her already?

It's still Thursday, she hasn't even left for the plane yet.

...I hate when I get like this.
I miss you...

Your words
your love
your music
your art

You make me happy to a point a few years ago I couldn't concieve.
I love you, Lell
and I'm sorry for all the worries, aggrivation and drama I sometimes cause...

I don't mind listening, as most you know. I don't mind at all.  I listen, I give advice.

I listened. I gave advice.
She then proceeded to tell me our relationship was threatened by her and her brother's WoW raiding.
Raiding. On Warcraft. Relationship.
Doesn't match up.

I'm sorry, but there are ground rules you should know. You should ALL know. When you come to me to talk, I'll listen, but I'll give advice. It's up to you whether or not to take said advice. However, if you decide not to, don't come crawling back whining to me about how everything went wrong. When I listen to you nicely and give advice, don't snap back and say all of a sudden the strong, budding relationship we had that was full of life is suddenly on life support and someone else has their grimy hands on the plug. Don't come back, rile me all up for battle and then say "Oh, I'll solve it this other peaceful way that's still dramatic, but all of a sudden you're out of the loop." Then what the fuck did you come to me for? To upset me? Thanks. No, I'm not saying that she shouldn't have come to me at all, I'm glad to do my job as a boyfriend, but FUCK do NOT rile me up like that and then already have the solution. That's cold and bitter.

And that's not just directed at her, everyone should read that and take it to heart. I'm an orc with bloodrage. You can set it off and shit will get done. But if you set it off and then set me in a lonely little corner to let it just ramble out, (ESPECIALLY just before BEDTIME) then you WILL have Hell to pay.

Check out these prisoners in the Philippines. (That's two links) The first one is obvious what it is, the second is from a Japanese children's show, but the thing is in-friggin-sane.

So, I've got a lot going on.
And almost no cashflow. -.-
Still no job, other than the arts center, which doesn't start till next week, of not later.
Got some weapons manufacturing to do, both Gateway and MR. Some sewing (yeah, I'mna try it), some other stuff... a LOT of organization for the Labarynth. Next week I've got to get my writers together for a meeting...
I'm stressed. I'm balancing a lot of stuff, all that and girlfriend, possibly moving out in August, getting a job here AND there... And my Dad is nothing but up my ass, and he doesn't see a damn thing of my productivity. I hate him sometimes. Seriously. I'm ready to move. Period.
However, I don't know if I'm ready to leave Daniella behind. I know she won't be able to follow for at least a year, and that's going to be rough. *sigh*
So difficult... why? Damnit.
Fuckin... blah.
And now I feel all shakey like I haven't eaten, yet I just had dinner. I don't understand. I might make myself something else...
Sleeping's been getting better. Still rough with everyone wanting to be out all night. I like to hang out, but... *sigh*
This is by far the most stressful summer I've had. By far. Both good and bad stressful.
And it's only gona get worse.

Blegh.
I'm always tired.
Rephrase, I'm often tired.
I worry that I've been sleeping too much. But I can't seem to stop myself. I set my alarm, it wakes me up, I turn it off and go "Bah, I've got nothing to do today" and go back to sleep. For like, hours. It's a huge pain in the ass! I never feel rested and hardly want to do crap.The only time I REALLY felt rested and ready to go were the few times I worked on a normal schedule. That's exactly why - I was on a forced schedule. When I'm not on a forced schedule I can't beat back the wave of... what's the word? Lethargy?
And so I get nothing done.
On top of that I'm hating the Arts Center, still, and I haven't even gone since last time I worked. I want to leave, desperately, but I need a day job before I can do that.
Desperately need a day job.
I just can't seem to win this summer. >.

http://boogerlips.ytmnd.com/

It's time you all knew.
The Adam you know is in fact an act.
A play, if you will, to bring out the good parts of me within your views.
Now I reveal the whole truth. All of it. All of me. For all of you to see. Those of you who are truely my friends will take it in stirde. The rest of you will realize that I've at least somewhat been lying to you. No, it wasn't to hurt you, but I know some of you will dislike it on principle.

I am half demon.
More than you realize.
My mother's spirit was that of a Succubus, exiled from Hell and shoved into a mortal body. Not relizing her soul's rage and jealousy of others, she did what she did, and you all know that story.
She had me. With my father. A child, born of a Succubus, Half Human and Half Incubus. While half of me is monstrocity, half of me is a decent human. More than you realize for both.

I have cheated on girlfriends in the past, both with and without their consent.
I've wished death upon many people, many times. Even tried to execute it. Threatened non-stop. Even made a speech on an old school board about how people's abuse made me relate to the kids Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, the two shooters of Columbine.
I have an untamable blood fury. Few of you have seen it since over the years I've mastered how and when it comes, for the most part. Those of you who have haven't even seen its full extent. It's made me beat animals I loved, insult people when they were weak, and even destroy things. Said blood fury made me attack my own mother, fists flying. And not only once, but twice did this happen.
I enjoy drama and seeing people hurt by my hand. Believe it or not it's true. However, not those that are unworthy of my wrath. My friends, normal people on the street, most people are undeserving of such wrath. People like my mother. People like Beth. I take joy and pride in hurting these people irrepairably. I took the utmost pleasure in telling my mother off. My body screamed with joy as I attacked her those two nights. I literally orgasmed sending her my final letter, knowing full well I had destroyed any remenant of her spirit lieft within her soul. The curioucity, the want to see her suffer killed me when I sent it because I couldn't bear witness to the pain, suffering, and agony I had caused to her, but I knew it was there and that was enough to keep me tamely at bay while my magic did its work. I took pleasure in verbally beating up my ex girlfriend Tiffany over her betrayal of me to David. Now we're best friends, but then I saw her as deserving. Now I know she shan't see that again because of what we put each other through and what we've become. Beth I tend to stay away from, only for my own good. I know that she could retaliate just as hard with Daniella's parents, but know that if I did, I'd take the utmost pleasure in taking out my rage on three birds with one stone. They would all suffer and know the true nature of a demon.
I am somewhat polygamyst. I believe in casual sex. I know that the majority of you disagree with such views, seeing it as cheating, but I don't see there being a problem with a husband that travels finding some physical relief while he's out to help him do his job better. However at home, such a practice is not okay, unless the wife is knowingly and willingly denying, or the other way around.
Within my past, my ex girlfriend Samantha identified me as Arjuna, the archer form the Bhagavahad(sp?) Gita. We were on our own respective quests to become Gods, in her eyes. The quest that was charged to me this life was to watch my love die. It was not clarified whether that was metaphorical or literal, but I can see the metaphorics happening. Love is giving into rage, into despair and distrust. Especially since no one knew the true me, until now at least. I've chosen on and off to follow such belief. I don't know of it's truth or of any evidence proving such true. But I always keep myself prepared for any outcome.
I heavily relate with Orc Shamen from the Warcraft Universe. Most of you know this already, however what you might not know is that I do listen to the wind. Soemtimes the Earth. When fire is around, it's babbling goes on constantly. Water, for the most part, sleeps. The Wilds are my favorite, honestly. They care for all creatures equally, demon or not, provided said creatures listen.
I am a channeler. Another job I do know I have in my life is to get people to talk. It seems whenever I am around people, especially those I don't know, they suddenly feel an immediate connection with me and start opening up. While I am okay with this, and enjoy it as a job... Also realize it's what I look for in people. I look to be with other people because I seek to listen. That's what I do. I listen. For others undeserving of my rage, that is, of course. Which is most everyone.
I like lolicon and see no problems with some types of incest, so long as it's fully 100% protected against pregnancy. Again, this links to the casual sex. People want to explore, naturally. I don't see a problem with that so long as the necessary precautions are taken, and in such case, to the extreme. When it's an act of love, or simply a fufilling of one's curiousity, there's nothing wrong with such an act. No one's getting hurt, no one's upset, and you aren't fucking up the gene pool. For example, a father has a daughter who trust him the utmost completely. She admits to being curious about sex. The father puts her on birth control and gives her condoms to go ahead and explore. The daughter wants to explore with somone who will, gaurenteed, not hurt her, specifically the one man she trusts most. I see no problems with him obliging his daughter. Same thing goes for everything else. Consent and protection are what's required for ethical exploration to me.
I have a weird phobis of fish hooks, the source of which has to do with my childhood. Want to take me somewhere? You can take me fishing, just expect me to flinch a lot and not touch what's on the end of that line.
I want to die a glorious death in battle, fufilling my blood fury. I know such will probably not happen, especially with the laws of this land being against murder even if it is consentual, but I do have somewhat of a wish to die in an honorable battle fighting for a just cause. But also, I wouldn't mind dying peacefully too much either.

At this point I feel like I'm looking for things to add, so I guess that's the finality of what I will say, for now. Most other things I'm willing to state in person. I find it much easier to open up in writing than it is in speech ebcause I can think about what I'm typing while I'm typing it, and I can take the tiem to explain things before I get a gut reaction out of people. If you ever want the truth and you think it might be tought for me to tell, IM or Email me, or even comment here. I'm done putting up acts for people. This is a public entry which everyone and anyone can read. Come see me for who I am, the Half Incubus, Adam.
I await your replies...

I have some of the best friends in the world.
I do.
They all accept me. They all love and care for me. And I do the same for them.
Tonight after I came back with my night with Lella and handing in my resume to her church I got kidnapped by Lou, Ed and Steve. Literally. It was amazing. *chuckles* It was nice to see all my friends again, because not only did I get to see them, I saw Rachel, I saw Jerry, Goley, and Brian. I totally didn't to see these guys for at least a week. But the best part was that it seemed like they missed me, and that meant a lot. That meant that I had some positive influence and that was my aim.
However, it's interesting... How easily it may be to get people together, to have a good time and enjoy company, but to band together as a group it's difficult.
Tonight Lou and I were discussing my big dreams. My Ren City. I came to the sad realization it wouldn't be totally possible alone within my life time. It would take a lot of investments, a lot of investors, and a lot of time. A lot of things I don't have and can't really get. And on top of that, people gravitate towards large bodies of water, not land. So my getting land wouldn't make much of a difference. Getting nice houses, even a lake, wouldn't make much of a difference. So that brought me to this.
What now?
Seriously.
What now?
I still want to persue a place for my friends and I to LARP, stay, and be ourselves at. I still want to own my small peice of this paradise of Earth. But... New Jersey. The most expencive state in the Union.
*sigh* Harrumph.
I could do one of two things. I could get myself a camp ground, assuming I can find/afford one, get the capital off of that and start investing. Eventually close it down and use it for my purposes. Or I could just get a small couple of acres to own as my own and just set up places to tent. The latter seems more realistic, just some land to camp on, nothing huge. The first one seems like it'd take me iunto my 60's to complete. I can't wait that long.
I might not have that long.
Thanks, leg.
Fuck up.

Anyhow, I have a new aim. My current course can still take me there, becoming an A/V editor/producer. I just hope I can pull it off on time. I also have the Wicked Events to lean back on as an option, hoping that Jeff may just one day hire me full time. Maybe. Even if he doesn't, I'm still thrilled to work with him. (No pressure Jeff, I'm just saying your events have my full dedication). So, I've still got a lot lot going for me. Hopefully I can make this work.
Hopefully.
*sigh*
Headache...
Bed...

I hate them.
I hate both of them.
I hate all of them.

Parents.

Let me rephrase. That is a generalized statement.

Abusive Parents.

I love my parents. Well, my Dad and step mother, anyway. They've always taken good care of me. My mother can burn in Hell, and she knows it. I'll make sure to go down there when it's my time and make her suffer, just to make sure she gets her just dessert for verbaly and emotionally abusing my childhood for her own selfish gain, which was at best, not very well thought out. She didn't consider the one lone factor: Free will.

Anyhow, I ramble. Let me get to my issue.
My girlfriend's parents. Not unlike my mother. They're loud, controlling, and spitefully manipulative. Not to mention ignorant, zealous, and wrathful. Essentially they are the Scarlet Crusade.
Their daughter loves me. I will not hurt her. They don't see that.
They hate me for what and who I am, Adam, the half Incubus. They hate me because I remind them of something, and I know it. He rmother is reminded of a past lover, similar to myself, whom she broke her sacred oath to God with, and wound up abandoning because God told her it'd be hard. She chose the easy way out, and it's turning out not to be so easy. She resents me for this. Her father I'm not sure of, but I'm sure a generalized guy who stole her girlfriend or otherwise hurt him similarly will suffice.
Memories make people go to war. People are at war with me.
Wars with me haven't gone so well for opposing parties.
But I wait. Patiently. ...Somewhat. As patiently as an Incubus can. It's simpler and less dangerous to win a war of atrition. They are but humans. I understand Death and its ways. I understand life and its gifts. They do not. They will not. And eventually they will relent, unable to hole their position longer, and then is the time which I will strike.

...But I also ask myself why.
Why do I fight this war?
Or better, why do I sit here on my hands when there's a whole world out there?
I have no home. I never have had a home. I have no one who makes me feel home, truely. Scattered times here and there, I know what it's like, but there's no where and no one I can go to to feel truely safe. No one truely understands the whole plight of an Incubus. COllectively I am understood, but by one or a few individuals I am an enigma. One person understands one part of me, another understands another section, the next understands a fraction. Never will they be able to combine their knoweldges to understand me.
And why would they? What would they have to gain out of it? I am half demon, cursed by my creation yet blessed by my views and deeds. I am a creature of the void, unable to enter Heaven or Hell.
I have no home.
Nor will I.
Unless.... something changes.
But for now, this is what I accept.
What cards I have been dealt.